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McCain to Hide Inside Podium at Debate

In an indication that he is less than confident about his running mate's ability to perform at the vice-presidential debate, Republican presidential nominee John McCain confirmed plans to hide inside Gov. Sarah Palin's podium during the televised face-off.

Sen. McCain had hoped not to resort to such draconian measures, but after reviewing tapes of Gov. Palin's disastrous interviews with CBS' Katie Couric, he reportedly told aides, "Damn it, there's no way I'm letting that doofus take me down."

The Arizona senator plans to crouch inside the podium out of view of the audience, whispering key bits of information to Gov. Palin, such as the names of any Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade, and the names of well-known newspapers and magazines she could pretend to read.

On the Democratic side, Sen. Joseph Biden said he hoped to emulate Abraham Lincoln's performance in the Lincoln-Douglas debates: "That was truly one of the greatest moments in television history."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.