Terrorweiner

This story gets brought up more than I care to admit. And I can never find it. So, if it's on here, I can find it! Warning, in case you can't tell by the title, this is not a children's story. It's also incredibly bad. Proceed with caution.

Terrorweiner: Wang of Woe

            Jackson sat in the hotel bar, waiting nervously for Felicia.  How much had she changed?  Would they have anything to talk about?  Would she hate him if and when he told her his big secret?  About his wang of woe?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Felicia got out of her car and smoothed down her skirt.  She walked toward the hotel where she had agreed to meet Jackson.  Having not seen him since the 4^th grade, she was nervous.  Would they still have anything in common?  She took a deep breath and opened the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            The door opened and Jackson looked over.  A devastatingly beautiful woman walked in.  She stopped and looked around.  She saw Jackson, smiled and started walking over towards him.  He wondered if he could be lucky enough to have this be Felicia.  And unlucky enough, because she was smokin’ and things were starting to happen in his pants.  His terrorweiner was waking up.

            “Jackson?  Holy shit, you look great!”

            “Felicia?  You look great, too!”  He thought, ‘holy shit, I’m in trouble.’

            Felicia sat down next to him and ordered a drink.  They drank and caught up on the last 20 years of their lives.  Eventually, Felicia put her hand on Jackson’s thigh.

            ‘No, terrorweiner, no!  Stay down!’ he thought.

            She looked at him, overcome with lust.  He gulped

            “Jackson, I always had a crush on you.  And now, damn.  Now that we aren’t nine anymore —”

            “Felicia, we shouldn’t.”

            “Oh,” she said, licking her lips and moving her hand higher, “I think we should.”  She got up off her bar stool and grabbed his hand.  She started pulling him out of the bar.  “You have a room here, right?”

            “Uh, yeah.  But really —”

            She shut him up with the most passionate kiss he’d ever experienced.  They made their way to his room.  Once inside, she ripped his shirt off.  She got down on her knees and unbuttoned and unzipped his pants with her teeth.

            “Woah, Felicia!  How the hell do you unbutton something with your teeth??”

            She kissed him again and said, “less talky, more naked.”  She whipped off her shirt.  His terrorweiner said hello to her bodacious, fluffy breasts.  They were like two large mounds of cotton candy just sitting on her chest, waiting to be licked.  Jackson could no longer resist.  The rest of her clothes came off faster than the speed of light.

            Two and a half hours later, after some earth-shattering sex (the front desk had been getting complaints from the other guests—two floors down), Felicia and Jackson were cuddling in the sweaty afterglow.

            “Felicia, I have something I have to tell you.  Something serious.”

            “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

            “I’ve killed some people.”

            Felicia sat up.  “What?  Killed people?  How many?  How?  Who?”

            “At first it was an accident, but then I kept doing it.  Not totally on purpose, but I knew it was happening.  I kill them with my wang of woe.  Terrorweiner, if you will.  I have super syphilis.”

            “Wait.  You have syphilis and you didn’t tell me that!?!?”

            “I did try to convince you that having sex with me was a bad idea.  And it’s not just syphilis, it’s super syphilis.”

            “You could’ve said, ‘oh, by the way, the reason we shouldn’t have sex is because I have syphilis and you’ll get it.’”

            “I am sorry.  But anyway, the super syphilis doesn’t affect me that much, but it will affect you.  Pretty bad, from what I understand.  You’ll probably be dead in a couple of weeks.  So you might want to put your affairs in order.”